Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Love and Loss

I have been reading my fellow bloggers' post, as usual.

Dina wrote a very interesting post about overflowing love. I can relate to that feeling and this post. I can remember when I was younger the feeling of carrying around so much love inside me that I thought I would truly explode. I often made the mistake of trying to give this love to someone that either didn't want it or didn't treasure it. Either way I made the mistake and would often times be devastated afterwards. Then of course along came my Dh and then our three boys. I do not have the feelings of pending explosion, because I can release my love in a safe environment.

Then I read Miss Alex the Girl's post today and wept. Luckily the Wee Ones were preoccupied, Dh was at school and The Boy was upstairs. I feel so sad for her brother about his loss.

Shortly after Dh and I started seeing each other his dear Grandmother passed away. Also very suddenly. Sadly before I could meet her. Now I have had the misfortune, as I'm sure other's have, of having family members pass away. Though most of those deaths seem to happen when I was smaller. My parents felt it was better that my sister and I not attend the funerals. Going to Dh's Grandmother's funeral was to be my first. I was slightly nervous because I was going to meet a portion of his family, which is huge, for the first time. And I was going to see his mother again, and our first meeting wasn't very warm and fuzzy ( a story for another time). After meeting his grandfather, mother, brother and his ex-wife (yes, another story for anther time) we went to the church. I ended up sitting at the back of the church by myself, his mother's doing. Then the funeral began. Since I had never been to one, I found that I began to grieve for my relatives that had past. It was a strange feeling of a surging wave of deep grief washing over me. I cried for the loss of the people I had known and loved and then cried for the loss of Dh's Grandmother. I sat there, sniffling and crying silently. Dressed all in black with my reddish blond hair. The family started to make it's way up the church aisle, out of the church to go the cemetery, and my Dh saw me sitting there at the very back of the church balling like a baby. Looking back this is humorous, his look of confusion and shock. Plus it didn't help that I happened to be the only white person there. You see my husband is black. I got several strange looks from the other attendees I assure you.

Reading about Alex the Girl's Sister-in-law's passing made me wish to be able to take some of the hurt and pain this poor man must be feeling at this time. Yet nothing will do it. Not even my or your over flowing love. And that saddens me as well. (sigh, sniffle sniffle) I wish it could help. I wish it could flow right out of those of us that feel such all consuming love straight into those who have lost someone so dear to ease the pain. The only way we can begin to convey some of it is through words. Frankly I have often felt that words fail me (I know you might not be able to tell that).