Monday, June 1, 2009

Ok I swear I'm not in a funk...

Well at least I wasn't earlier today. But then we met with the manager of our complex to go over our new lease papers. Ummm ok she's "nice" (weak smile) I just don't get her. Which is fine. 'Cuz I don't want her. It's just every time I have to deal with her or the company that owns this complex I end up walking away feeling like I've just been violated. You know that slimy, icky feeling, like you've just had some sleaze of a guy get all up in everywhere. BBLLLEEEEECCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHH! Yeah that feeling. Usually it goes away but this time it's seeming to linger.

I'm hoping it's just cuz I'm tired. Yeah let's say that. Being tired just seems to amplify the whole not fitting in. Plus I had a minor epiphany today when I was speaking to my DFaN. I discovered that for the last three to five years I have felt that I have had to defend myself. I'm talking about the constant feeling of being judge and found guilty for the way I live my life. When I was in 9th grade, we met with counselors to have them "guide" us in the right direction for life choices. I think I seriously confused and disappointed the counselor that spoke to me. When asked what I wanted to do when I grew up, yeah that gem of a question, I answered to be a mom and housewife. Not a real popular answer, even back then. I still remember the counselor saying that was not a valid response. And me being the feisty youngster I was asked "Why not? It was what my mother had been. What my mother did wasn't good enough?" That stumped them.

As a young woman I did work. I worked at Macy's for twelve and very informative years. I learned a lot from working there that has shaped my life to this day. I used to say I did everything at the store I worked at except pick up the building and move it two inches to the left. And the only reason I didn't do that was the managers couldn't figure out whose left to move it to. And then after that I worked at an employment agency. Trying to find people jobs.

After all the years and all the things my Dh and I have been through, separately and together we came to the conclusion that it would be important to be a mom. As hard as it is, in this economy. Oh don't get me wrong my Dh would be supportive if I went and got a job. But to be brutally honest, I just can't be a Super Woman anymore. Work, Home school, keep the house, take care of the kids and so on. Oh no Dh would support me if I got a out of the home job, but he wouldn't pick up any slack. It's well known I am the stable one in the family (scary huh?). Anywho...where was I? Ahh, yes being judge. So where we currently stay, the area that is , I'm either too black (which I'm not), I'm not Christian enough(which I'm not. Yeah I can already see some of your brows furrowed in confusion) I'm not religious enough (which I'm not. There goes some of those eyebrows again) I'm not white enough. I'm not social enough. I'm not tolerant enough (about drugs) Since I'm not a drug taker or a drinker I must be a snob. Ummm ok? The boy does not get caught up in the regular things that the other kids around us are caught up in. So I defend my son, my Dh(since he is black), my Wee Ones, my spiritual beliefs, and so on. When I am tired all of these things seem to come to the forefront and begin to feel like a never ending battle. Most of the time I ignore it. I speak of my DFaN, because she is the only one that I speak to here. Probably because she is having to do some of the same defending. Living in these apartments I have been judged to be a FBI Narc agent. Yeah laugh now, but I'm serious. I have been judged to be a stuck up B-I-T-C-H. I have also been judged by the company that owns the property as a snitch/spy for the government. No kidding. The reason for the last is I happened to befriend one of the ladies that work at the government agency that the owners deal with. So I make them a little nervous.

Now let me do something I normally don't do. Oh hell I shouldn't do, but let's throw caution to the wind. Allow me to touch on the whole Christian and religious thing. I have absolutely nothing against Christianity. It just has never worked for me. It creates more questions than answers. I prefer to say that I am spiritual. I believe in a higher power. I believe in miracles and magic and faith and angels and spiritual guides and ghosts and spirits and so on. Sorry if any of you are offended by this broad description of my beliefs. I mean no offense, but you might be able to see how my thoughts might not be that well received in a very Christian area. The small town I live in is 6.4 miles big and has 25 churches in that space. No kidding and a little scary. I know of one church in which they strongly advise their young members to marry within the church populace. That is just a little...ummmm....scary to me. So you see that is just one reason I have learned to stay to myself and be quiet about my life.

Hey that is probably why I started blogging. I needed some release. Some way of not hiding. So no, I'm not in funk. Not anymore. See I feel better. Being able to express myself. If I find myself judged by my readers I can simply not read the comments. I don't have to see the severely disapproving looks. Ahhhh, it has helped. That and listening to music. That usually always helps.

Cheers all!